How to Talk About Money With Your Partner

Talking about finances can be a touchy subject, often fraught with discomfort and taboos. These conversations are critical to any relationship, yet we aren’t taught the tools to have them.

Today we’re reviewing the SAFE method, a framework you can follow for having conversations about money.. Whether you're in a committed relationship, sharing a space with roommates, or navigating a business partnership, the SAFE method is a versatile framework designed to facilitate open and healthy discussions about money matters.

SAFE stands for:

• Speak your truth

• Agree to a plan

• Follow the agreement

• Establish an emergency response plan

Let's go through each step one at a time…

Speak your truth

This first step is about laying all of your cards on the table with your partner.

Share what your relationship with money is, your goals, and your preferred spending and saving styles.

Sharing all of this information helps your partner understand what financial safety means to you, and then you’ll be able to compare notes and come up with a plan (see next step) that works for you.

Here’s what this could look like in a romantic relationship between Jack and Jill. Here’s what Jill shares:

“I grew up without very much money. My parents were constantly talking about what we could afford and what we had to go without. It was made clear to me from an early age that if I wanted to go to college, I would have to pay for it. It was stressful living paycheck to paycheck, so I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to a place with my finances where I can live comfortably and have a healthy savings buffer. I value security and having a lot of savings gives me peace of mind. But I’m also a gut spender – I love to shop. So, when I get paid, I have my paycheck deposited into my savings, and I have an auto-transfer setup to allocate an “allowance” to my checking, which is what I use to live in. This forces me to be diligent with the money I have, and my savings is “out of sight, out of mind”. I have a healthy rainy day fund, and I’d like to save to buy a house – either one for us or an investment property.”

Again, this isn’t just a tool for romantic partners. Here’s what this could look like in a conversation with yourself as you’re setting a budget for the first time:

“I need to establish a savings methodology. I make decent money, and I feel like I live within my means, but I don’t have much in my savings. Every time I travel or make an unexpected purchase, it wipes out what I squirreled away for a few months. I transfer money to savings occasionally when my credit card bill is lower than I planned. I have student loans I’d like to pay off, and would love to have enough set aside so I can start my own business one day. My current job keeps me busy, so I tend to spend money on things that save me time, like food delivery or Amazon. I inherited a mantra from my family: “if you have a problem that money can solve, throw money at it.” It’s helped me learn not to sweat the small stuff, but I worry that I end up throwing money at things that aren’t really problems, or effectively I can use money as a substitute for being thoughtful.”

Agree to a plan

Money issues in relationships happen when the people involved lack an agreed-upon plan for how they manage money. This can be amplified when two people contribute different amounts of money – or time – to different aspects of the partnership, so both sides may feel an imbalance with respect to spending on essentials vs. spending on themselves.

Here’s a step by step guide for putting together a plan with your partner:

Step 1: To get started planning, each person needs to come to the table with the following inputs:

• Your individual and collective goals (saving for a house, starting your own business, establishing your safety net, investing for retirement)

• Transparency on where you are collectively on your path to achieve those goals (are you just getting started or have you hit a savings milestone)

• Awareness of your required and shared expenses (think rent, utilities, groceries, house stuff, insurance, travel, transportation), as well as discretionary expenses you value (going out to dinner or collecting records)

• Clarity on how much you each make

Step 2: If you have these inputs, you can put together a plan that works for you both. Questions to ask each other to get the conversation started:

• How much do we think is fair and equitable for each of us to contribute to our shared expenses?

• How much do we want to allocate to our savings goals? Is there a time element here that is important to keep in mind?

• Do either of us have any spend habits we need accountability help with?

• Are there certain expenses that we split vs. others that each individual owns? Are there non-monetary contributions that we should factor in (e.g., if someone cooks and cleans, that could be valued as a contribution at the rate of hiring someone to do that)?

• Are there expenses that are non-negotiable (not willing to cut) vs. those that you’re willing to reduce?

Step 3: Coming out of this conversation, you should have the following as part of your shared money strategy:

• Alignment on how much money each person is contributing to shared expenses

• How collective purchases are going to be made and by whom (e.g., who is buying groceries, who is paying for rent, and how do we track and reimburse)

• What the budget is for each of these shared items

• How much each person can spend before consulting the other partner

Each of these will provide you and your partner a decision framework when spending money.

Pro Tip: We love this last bullet for individual budgeting too! If you have a daily spend goal of $100, you could set a rule that you have to sleep on a purchase for 24 hours if a single item is >$100. If you’re an impulsive online shopper, this gives your emotional and rational brains time to consult each other and make a decision that works for both :)

Follow the agreement

This might sound obvious, but a plan is only good if it works. Plans can be daunting, especially when they’re new. Failure is a part of building a new habit, and fear of that failure may prevent your plans from getting off the ground.

Commit to honor the plan, and also commit to communicating if it isn’t working for you.

You can also set a timeline – maybe try for 30 days, and then check in to see how it’s working for both of you. If not, renegotiate, and keep on that cadence until you find one that sticks.

There is no such thing as the “right plan”, there’s the plan that is right for you and your relationship.

Establish an emergency response plan

This last step is your backup plan if you’re unable to figure out a plan on your own.

Think of it like deciding when you engage with a referee – these are the guidelines you’ll follow together if you can’t settle on a plan or can’t come to an agreement about a money issue.

This could mean seeking out a professional financial coach or advisor, or engaging a therapist.

Decide on how, who, and when you’ll seek help before you need it, so you both will be able to recognize if and when that moment comes.

The key to getting good at having tough conversations is to have them. Practice makes perfect, so it’s ok if the first time doesn’t go perfectly. Be kind to yourself, and to each other, and keep going. You’ve got this!